Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
