i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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