i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
