My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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