I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
