see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
