I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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