I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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