allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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