the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
