First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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