I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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