Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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