I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there's paper in my vomit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
