yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
