my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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