forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
