First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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