She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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