The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
