hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
