My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize