So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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