the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Life is so much better after having sex.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
