when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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