this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
