I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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