you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
