I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
