Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
