Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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