I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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