bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
