I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
