she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
