So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
