Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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