Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
