New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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