Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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