I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize