I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
