you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
