This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize