i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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