Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize