I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
