I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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