I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
