He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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