I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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