Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
