i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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