Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
