i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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