I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
