i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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