look no pants
my phone needs a breathalizer
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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