Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
