Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
