I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
